Bullying and Your Child

Your child has always enjoyed learning, but lately seems eager to avoid school. Stomachaches and mysterious illnesses pop up in the evening and seem to get worse as the school bus creeps closer to your street the next morning. It's possible the problem has nothing to do with how last night's dinner was digested. Your child could be worried sick over a schoolyard bully.

Bullies can take the fun out of school — where bullying happens most — and turn something simple like a ride on the bus or walk to the bathroom into a scary event that's anticipated with worry all day.

Children who are bullied often experience low self-esteem and depression. Bullies may pick on others to feel powerful, popular, important, or in control. Often, they bother the same children repeatedly.

If your child is a victim of bullying, you can help reduce intimidation and fear by listening and offering to help.

The Different Ways Kids Bully

Bullying behavior isn't always easy to define. Where do you draw the line between good-natured fun and bullying? Although good-natured fun looks like bullying because it can prompt feelings of anger or embarrassment, it can be less hostile and done with humor, rather than harm. Good-natured fun often is a two-way street rather than a one-sided dose of intimidation.

Although the black eye is a concrete sign that your child may be a victim of bullying, there are many different ways kids bully that aren't always as easy to spot:

Cyber bullying happens through email, instant messaging, Internet chat rooms, and electronic gadgets like camera cell phones. Cyber bullies forward and spread hurtful images and/or messages. Bullies use this technology to harass victims at all hours, in wide circles, at warp speed.

Emotional bullying can be more difficult to notice. It can involve isolating or excluding a child from activities (i.e., shunning the victim in the lunchroom or on school outings) or spreading rumors. This kind of bullying is especially common among girls.

Physical bullying can accompany verbal bullying and involves things like kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, or threats of physical harm.

Racist bullying preys on children through racial slurs, offensive gestures, or making jokes about a child's cultural traditions.

Verbal bullying usually involves name-calling, continual mocking, and laughing at a child's expense.

Also, despite the common notion that bullying is a problem mostly among boys, both boys and girls bully. But boys and girls can vary in the ways they bully.

Girls tend to inflict pain on a psychological level. For example, they might hurt someone by freezing them out of the lunchroom seating arrangements, ignoring them on the playground, or shunning them when slumber party invitations are handed out.

Boys aren't as subtle and they can get physical. For example, boy bullies are more likely to insult their victims on the playground than ignore them. Instead of isolating a non athletic victim during a gym class dodgeball game, they might take relentless aim and target the child throw after throw.

Signs That a Child Is Being Bullied

Of course, bumps and bruises are signs that your child has been physically bullied, but you can watch for other less obvious hints, too:

inventing illnesses to avoid school (for example, stomachaches, headaches, etc.)
missing belongings or money
sleeping problems
bedwetting
irritability
poor concentration
unexpected changes in routine
problems with schoolwork

How to Help if Your Child Is Being Bullied

Being a good listener is one of the best ways to comfort your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing you care can be helpful. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable while discussing bullying and how it makes him or her feel.

If, don't add to the burden by becoming angry. Although it's understandable to be upset if you find out that your child is being bullied, be careful not to let your child see that. Your child may think your anger is disappointment. Be sure to accept however your child is feelings.

You should also reassure your child that he or she isn't to blame. Explain that bullies are often confused or unhappy people who don't feel good about themselves.

Also consider asking your child thoughtful questions, such as:

What's it like walking to the bus stop or home from school?
What's it like on the bus ride to and from school?
What happens on the playground during recess or before or after school?
What happens in the hallways at school or during lunchtime?
Have any bullies in the neighborhood or at school threatened anyone you know?
Do some kids you know get emails, instant messages, or text messages that are upsetting, threatening, or insulting?

This approach might make it easier for your child to talk about bullies because it isn't as personal and emphasizes that other kids experience bullying, too.

Artwork and drawings or puppets may prompt younger victims to talk about bullies. Older children, however, may be helped by direct questions, like asking them to talk about their "friends" and "enemies."

The key to helping your child deal with bullying is to help him or her regain a sense of dignity and recover damaged self-esteem. To help ward off bullies, give your child these tips:

1. Hold the anger. It's natural to want to get really upset with a bully, but that's exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry not solve the problem, it will only make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over your child's emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it makes the bully feel more powerful.

2. Never get physical or bully back. Emphasize that your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, but your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it's best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.

3. Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye and say something like, "I want you to stop right now." Counsel your child to then walk away and ignore any further taunts. Encourage your child to "walk tall" and hold his or her head up high (using this type of body language sends a message that your child isn't someone to bully). Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and by walking away, or ignoring hurtful emails or instant messages, your child will be telling the bully that he or she just doesn't care. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying and stop.

4. Use humor. In situations where your child has to deal with a bully and can't walk away, tell him or her to use humor or offer a compliment to throw the bully off guard. However, tell your child not to use humor to make fun of the bully.

5. Tell an adult. If your child is being bullied, emphasize that it's very important to tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and school personnel can all help to stop it.

6. Talk about it. It may help your child to talk to anyone who can give the support your child needs – this includes friends. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when your child is being bullied.

7. Use the buddy system. Using the help of friends may help both your child and others stand up to bullies. The bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful - so a lot of bullying takes part in front of peers. If the bully is picking on another child, tell your child to point out to the bully that his or her behavior is not alright and is no way to treat another person. This can work especially well in group situations (i.e., when a member of your child's circle of friends starts to pick on or shun another member). Tell your child to make a plan to buddy up with a friend or two on the way to school, on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess or lunch — wherever your child might meet the bully. Tell your child to offer to do the same for a friend who's having trouble with a bully. When one person speaks out against a bully, it gives others the courage to add their support and take a stand.

8. Develop more friendships by joining social organizations, clubs, or sports programs. Encourage regular play or social visits with other children at your home. Being in a group with other kids may help to build your child's self-esteem and give your child a larger group of positive peers to spend time with and turn to.

You may have to intervene in continual cases of bullying. That can involve going to school with your child and talking to your child's teacher, school social worker, or principal.

*Adapted from an article by: Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD and Steven Dowshen, MD